It's time for me to confess something: I'm terrified of losing weight. I've been overweight since I was 9 and I don't know how to be a thin, healthy person. I have lost weight before, twice. I graduated high school at 235 lbs and started college at 168 lbs. But I was far from healthy, I barely ate and when I did I made it come back up. When I got to college I'd go a couple days without eating but I was drinking every night. I eventually put that back on and lost it again a couple years later, doing something worse the second time to lose it which I don't care to go into. The point is, I wasn't healthy, I was thinner than I used to be and still overweight but I looked horrible and felt horrible.
Jillian Michaels said on one of her podcasts recently that most people don't lose weight because being fat affords them something, some comfort. I never made that connection to myself until January and February when I really started looking like I had lost weight and someone at work commented on it. I kind of just stopped, not purposely sabotaging myself but keeping myself where I was and eating through my daily deficit to the point I was just maintaining my weight. People were starting to look at me a little differently, like they noticed something was different. The comfort that being fat afforded me? I went unnoticed. Despite having this blog which is kind of the epitome of narcissism, I don't like to be noticed. I like to float around in the background and absorb what is going on.
Thankfully I started the Best Body Bootcamp in March and that busted me through my "mental plateau" (I actually don't believe in weight loss plateaus). I'm feeling a little in that mindset again right now. The past two weekends I have eaten through my calorie deficits because a few weeks ago someone asked me if I had lost weight. So, here I am again, I've been wavering within the same 3 pounds the last couple weeks.
It's very hard to articulate exactly what I am feeling about losing weight and it's affect on me. I can kind of sort it out a little in my brain but I'm having a hard time with it. I'm also negating my weight loss achievements. I feel so proud of what I have accomplished with eating, running, and exercise in general, but the shrinking body I'm having a little trouble with. Yes, I'm proud that I've lost 23 lbs, but I feel like I never should have had to lose this weight in the first place. I feel discouraged because I've ruined my body. I can lose weight but I'll never lose the stretch marks or the loose skin under my arms and the eventual extra belly skin. See, in my mind it's just so awesome getting smaller but I'm so pissed at what I have done to myself at the same time. I think until I can see past that anger I won't change, even if my body is.
These mental struggles I am having illuminates that weight loss is not just about calories in-calories out. Not even a little, it's about your internal dialogue. And right now? I am struggling. I'm trying to fight the voice within and right now it's winning.
oats, banana, cherries, yogurt, wheat berries, cottage cheese, coconut milk
515 cal, 13 fat, 101 carb, 19 protein, 11 fiber
Lunch: Open-Faced "Burrito" Sandwich, Salad
thin bun, vegetarian refried beans, iceberg, greek yogurt, salsa
lettuce, italian dressing
514 cal, 20 fat, 70 carb, 17 protein, 16 fiber
Dinner: Egg, Cheese, Turkey Sausage Omelet, Roasted Potato
smoked turkey sausage (ended up not freezing them), colby cheese, eggs
cal, 28 fat, 42 carb, 31 protein, 3 fiber
apple, mozzarella cheese stick
192 cal, 5 fat, 34 carb, 7 protein, 8 fiber
1,761 cal, 66 fat, 246 carb, 74 protein, 38 fiber
1,600-1,850 cal, 34-70 fat, 172-306 carb, 60-164 protein, 25-35 fiber
53% carbs, 31% fat, 16% protein